I should have been in bed at least an hour ago as I've finally finished all my homework, but I felt I needed the cathartic release of letting my thoughts find a home outside of myself. Besides, my good friend Maren just gave me a hard time because I am TERRIBLE at posting. I made a promise to her that I would start updating regularly.
I sat with a good friend last night and held her while we cried together and talked about growing pains. I was remembering tonight the first time I made my way home from my student/waitress life in Provo for just a night of respite and some comfort found at home, only to discover that my parents house was torn apart for remodeling, and everyone was moving 100 mph at their own pace doing their own thing. Not only was home not feeling so "homey", but no one seemed to have time to sit down and listen to all of my stress and frustrations. I left that night feeling empty, and lost. The one place I thought I could find comfort temporarily didn't exist.
I also remember clearly the night I prepared for my one and only hospital stay, and how my mother sat on my floor with her knees tucked under her nightgown trembling in despair because life seemed to be falling apart and she wasn't sure she could handle it. I found myself calmly reassuring her that I would be fine, and that the rest of her concerns would all be resolved in time. I was the epitomy of calm and collected despite my predicament, while she could only stand helplessly by and hope things would all turn out okay.
I also remember sitting in the temple watching my cousin Wes sit across the altar from his new bride and commit to her for eternity. And a little piece of my youth died, because the last of the days on the ranch were fading away. Even though we are both far from those days of riding around the mountains for hours in a day, creating mischief because no one else was there to be the troublemakers, and talking until 4am about life and our dreams and fears... I knew the last of those that shared those days with me are married or gone to the next life.
As I look at the black and white of my thoughts the perception of them could be sadness and loss. But as I listened to my dear friend talk of her struggle with change last night I realized that I treasure all of these experiences no matter the emotions that came with them as deeply as I treasure the comforts and joys of my life. It is through the changes I've endured that I've grown and I've become. Our lives are beautiful no matter the occasion, and our experience is invaluable.
I am learning how to treasure every moment I have with those I love regardless of my expectation in the outcome. I know that tomorrow may not bring my heart's desires, but with its sometimes demanding expectations, I know I learn new truth and deeper fulfillment as I accept the will of God in my life, and love the life I have, not hurt from the loss of the life I thought I wanted.
The In-Between Week
4 weeks ago
3 comments:
A post well worth the wait! Not only was I, your "good friend Maren," thrilled to see a new post, I am thankful you shared it. And, thankful that some of lifes many changes brought you and I into one big old family. Happy Thanksgiving, Rachel! Come back to Seattle soon!
you are waxing very philosophical...makes me teary!
I can't remember for sure but I think Pres. Monson shared the thought in conference that the only certainty in life is change. This year I got married, cut my finger so that I have permanent nerve damage there, watched a sister-in-law battle cancer, watched a mother battle surgery, watched a handicap brother battle what we think is gall stones, watched my new husband go through surgery, got pregnant, moved to a new state and quit my teaching job. On the flip side, although it was hard at first I tried to have an open mind and I love my new home in WA. I also love expecting a baby girl. And I count my blessings that my sister-in-law, my mom, my brother and my husband were watched over by Heavenly Father. The past few months have really increased my faith. Change is good for me too, eventhough as you know I am really resistant to it.
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