Sunday, October 25, 2015

For this child I prayed...

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him."
--1 Samuel 1:27

There is no way to describe the feeling that came over me when my newborn baby was laid on my chest for the first time; his cries from the trauma of birth ceased and he relaxed, feeling my heartbeat and skin against his, recognizing he was somewhere safe and familiar in this brand new world.  

I also can't explain what I have felt trying to grasp the reality of mothering this perfect little spirit. My heart felt broken for the first week of his life. The love I felt was too big, too much for my heart to hold. I cried every day just looking into his face, holding his sleeping body against my chest, looking into his unfocused eyes and wondering what he could see of his new life. 

Being a mother is not easy. No one ever said it would be. I don't get excited about 3am feedings, I worry every time I put him to sleep that he will stop breathing and our miracle will be gone faster than he came. My body is still recovering from the trauma of pregnancy, birth, and learning to use my body to sustain him. My house is a disaster, and I hardly see my husband, except when I'm handing off the baby after he gets home from work so I can get some rest. But I am so happy.

I am incredibly grateful for a husband who loves me and our little Devin with his whole heart. I am so grateful that God hath given us our petition which we asked of him. I am grateful for all those who have supported us in this process. The list is endless but I am particularly grateful for our mothers who came down to help us adjust to life with a new baby. I'm so grateful for amazing friends and adopted family that have taken care of us. My company has been incredibly generous and supportive throughout this process, and Brad was even given a full week off when Devin was born, which was far more than we expected. 

As we approach the 4 week mark my tears have (mostly) subsided, and I'm soaking up as much snuggle time as possible while he's still too young to protest to all the mommy kisses. I love watching Devin discover life a day at a time. We love to go on walks together, snuggle and watch TV together, and of course he still loves to sleep, and eat. We sing together, and I've suddenly realized I don't know the lyrics to a lot more songs than I thought. Sometimes I even read to him, although I think he'll like that better once he can at least appreciate the pictures. 

It is a little scary to look at this beautiful boy and know that God has entrusted such a precious soul to us forever, and I feel like I fail in one way or another on a daily basis, but I love him more than I can say. And if I can make sure he knows he is loved every day of his life, I think that's a pretty good start.