Friday, June 5, 2015


I have wonderful childhood memories of bedtime. My dad would sing us the Lonesome Cowboy song. My mom would tell us stories of Murphy and the Green Fairy (stories I hope she writes up and publishes one day) and sing Edelweiss. And in those moments when my heart was troubled, my mom would listen to my worries, and tell me to think of "blue".

As she talked about "blue", in my mind I would sink into their ocean-sized waterbed with it's baby blue bedspread. I would imagine looking up at the sky and watching lines of white streak the sky as planes passed overhead. And somehow, as I thought about "blue", the turbulence in my little soul eased and I could sleep.

In the past few weeks I've been decorating and hanging pictures in our newest home, and thinking about the style that suits me. I love the way things have come together, but my favorite room in the house is our bedroom. I knew when we found the perfect bedspread. Every time I walk into my room, I see it, and it brings me a gentle kind of joy. That's silly, right? It's a bedspread. But I looked around my room tonight and realized there is blue everywhere in this room. I've added splashes of color and pictures to the wall, but when I walk in this room, I see "blue".

Sometimes when I lie down at night the world starts to feel overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about my incomplete task list, the comment I should have kept to myself, the pregnancy and health of the baby, and even the boogeyman who might be lurking outside while Brad is still at work (he never goes away no matter how old you get). And sometimes I still wake up from a terrible nightmare and can't shake the awfulness from my conscious soul. In those moments, when all else fails me, I still think of "blue".

Our "blue" room

Oh Boy!!!

21 weeks in. Wow. Are we really already there? I spent so many weeks anxiously waiting to feel this little person moving around, to start looking pregnant instead of suspiciously overweight, and to know whether to plan for pink bows or blue dinosaurs. And last Friday we not only learned we are having a sweet little boy, but I also feel like I went from 0 to PREGNANT almost overnight.

The emotional rollercoaster has officially begun, starting with the ultrasound. Brad and I both choked up at the site of our little guy, and the tears didn't stop all weekend. Seeing my little boy moving around, kicking his legs, and resting his tiny hand on his face were sweet experiences. But watching Brad see his son for the first time was indescribable. I will hold that in my heart forever. I feel immense gratitude for the man who is sharing this journey with me, and the love he already feels for our little family.

My belly has grown exponentially in a couple weeks time, and Dexter (we think that's going to be his name) has definitely started resting on my bladder pretty regularly. So maybe there is some discomfort in the near future, but the feeling of a little somebody moving around inside of me is worth it. I love laying in bed in the morning and feeling him wake up with me. Last night Brad held my belly and felt a kick or two for the first time. I told him last night that I get jealous of my friends who are through with pregnancy and enjoying their babies, but I don't want to wish away the next few months. I love feeling him grow and move from the inside.

Moving across the country in the middle of pregnancy was stressful, and for the longest time I felt a little bit numb. I was just trying to get from one day to the next, and get my list of tasks done. This last week, though I'm still putting up pictures, organizing closets, and changing addresses, I finally have had some time to step back and enjoy the reality that we are finally here in Florida, our little boy is growing and preparing to come to our family, and God has granted us so many of the desires of our hearts. I am overwhelmed by his love for us, his grace that has given us the life that we have, and the opportunities we have to look forward to in the months and years ahead.

Here is a little picture of my belly. But I'll be honest, I think it's about twice as big since I took this a week ago.

A couple of pictures we snapped at Disney the day after the Ultrasound