What We All Have in Common

I've been thinking a lot this past year about 3 men that many are familiar with. But though I knew their stories well, I saw them differently this time around. First is Naaman, then Elijah, then Simon Peter. 

There is so much I have known about the story of Naaman. How he was a celebrated leader, was asked to do something easy, was angry, did it anyway, and was cleansed. It's all beautiful. So many great lessons. But one of the first things that came to mind this time was, what if those with cancer had to leave their families and go live together in their sickness? I realized that it didn't matter how great of a leader he was, how rich and powerful he was, how much the king loved him, or what he had accomplished. He had leprosy. And if that didn't change, his whole world would. Regardless of his accomplishments and wealth, he would be a leper. That's it. His future would have changed dramatically.

Then there's Elijah. This year when we learned about Elijah was the first time I realized his experience with the still, small voice came after he brought fire down on the alter from heaven. He literally performed one of the most discussed miracles in the bible. It's almost funny how hard the priests of Baal worked to get an answer, and Elijah not only got an answer, but he flooded the alter with water so the only fire that could be lit had to come from God. But after all that, he still felt alone and he left, prepared to die. He KNEW God was part of his plan. He'd watched it. He'd provided a miracle. And he still doubted the Lord's ability to save him from the wrath of the queen. So God came and showed him, and reminded him that his answers are often quiet, and maybe not as grandiose as a fire from heaven.

Lastly of course, is Simon Peter. Again, I am very familiar with his story, and the story of him jumping out of the boat to walk on the water. But right now I am also very aware that the world is loud. Medically, I know my odds. They are not good. In fact, they are pretty terrible. Scientifically, I know how cancer works in the body and especially in the brain. And it's scary to defy that when the odds seem to be against me. But God is not. And as he asks me to proverbially walk on water, I am reminded that Peter was a fisherman. He worked on the sea every day. So he was very familiar with the water, the sea, the tide, the ups and downs of a life working in that environment. So how big must the waves have been to scare him? How hard must the wind have been blowing? He was ALREADY walking on the water. But as he looked around and could see what was closing in on him, he forgot that he was already doing it and that Jesus was with him. He just remembered that the sea was dangerous, and that's what he saw around him. I don't pretend to know what was happening that night. I just know that thought reminds me just how loud our fear can be when we are trying to listen to that still small voice. 

I couldn't sleep last night as I thought about these 3 men. And what do they all have in common in my story? First is trust. Trusting God is as good as He promises He is, and trusting His plan for us individually. Not every leper was healed, but the Lord had more for Naaman to do. Elijah and Simon Peter both had missions and the Lord helped them get through their hard and learn to trust.

Second, all of these men had their doubts about their own circumstances. Naaman thought surely there should be a more grand expectation of him. Elijah thought his miracles were done and there was nothing left. And Peter saw the greatness of the sea, and forgot the greatness that had literally allowed him to do something impossible.

I have seen God work the impossible. My mom was on the ECMO (Heart/lung) machine to keep her alive. She was on it until the very last day the nurses said someone could "safely" be on the ECMO. She was in the hospital for 3 months because her journey wasn't about an immediate miracle. But she came home. She healed. And I know that wasn't just good medicine. Over and over as I watched her journey I saw God's hand. At one point a doctor told my dad that they needed everything to go right and nothing to go wrong because she was still very sick. Things definitely went wrong. But she is healthy and thriving because her journey wasn't over.

My aunt was on life support and everyone had given up on her. Two months later she was at Disney World visiting us. And honestly, I have never seen anyone so bright-eyed and bushy tailed after days at Disney. You would never have known the journey she had been on just a few months before.

 

Those are just the miracles I've seen on my own journey. I also know that I shouldn't still be alive if it weren't for miracles. I probably wouldn't have made it through the first night we called the ER if our good friend hadn't been in the right place at the right time to get us the help we needed. And to know how dire my circumstances were.

We've also all seen the miracles that come when we don't get the answer we're hoping for. Or the tragedy. Sometimes it's hard to not get what we think we want. Though honestly, I've learned that I don't think staying is the miracle. I think where we will all go is a MUCH happier place. But I want to be here with all those I love. I want to share the journey--the good and the hard--with them. And I want to do His will. I believe with all my heart in His plan. So I will keep looking to Him and walking on the water if that's what He wants. It's not easy. But I'll keep working at it. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Song by Hillsong United 

The Journey

 It feels like I should be done by now, right? At least out of options. I keep thinking I've hit that point and then another option presents itself. But I'll get to that. And don't get me wrong. It's just that I believe this isn't it, and medical treatments for cancer aren't so great.

First of all, I realized maybe I should share what type of cancer I have. I have followed someone on social media that recently shared she has breast cancer. It drives me NUTS that she never. says what kind of cancer she has, because it matters if you know anything about cancer. And then I realized I never shared that either. So, in case you are wondering, I am Her2 Positive (HER2+), and here are some things you may not know about cancer unless you've been very directly involved:

• There are different types of cancer. With breast cancer it's typically tied to hormones. HER2+ is a protein and it has receptors, just like estrogen or progesterone cancers have receptors. There is Estrogen+ or Progesterone+ or Triple Negative (which is the absence of all hormones). Those aren't the only kinds, but they are typical. And treatment depends on the type of cancer and the type of hormones involved.
• My cancer has metastasized to my brain, so I now have cancer in my brain, but it is actually breast cancer that has moved to my brain, not brain cancer. While there are enough similarities it kind of doesn't matter, it's still not the same thing. 

When I first found out I had Her2+ cancer I was told it was good news because it's very treatable. I knew that it was aggressive, but that it used to kill 95% of women who had it, and with targeted treatments now saves 95% of patients. But what I didn't know is that it's very common to have a recurrence (have the cancer come back) with HER2+ cancer. 

I was diagnosed in July of 2020. After my diagnosis I went through 6 rounds of chemo (once every 3 weeks) and then had a mastectomy in January of 2021. Radiation was also part of my plan but I opted not to get radiation. I wasn't super comfortable with the idea, and I was totally clear. In other words, they took out all the tissue and found no cancer. My Oncologist explained radiation was actually to avoid a local recurrence (cancer coming back in the breast area), and he said they could just do surgery. But it wouldn't help me avoid the cancer coming back anywhere else. Initially I had expanders put in for implants and then learned about Breast Implant Illness and decided that while some women have no symptoms, I'd rather not risk it and I had my expanders removed in April of 2021.

I spent 8 months thinking I was free of cancer, and then in August of 2021 they found 3 spots in my brain that they believed was breast cancer. So at that point I was officially diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer.

Since that time this has been my journey:

• Brain Surgery in October of 2021 to remove the 3 spots
• Enhertu treatments every 3 weeks (a treatment to keep cancer from returning)
• Radiation Therapy on my brain in April of 2022 after finding a spot that appeared to be cancerous.
• Chemo pills that were started in July after finding more spots on my brain
• Targeted Radiation treatments on 9 cancerous spots in November of 2022.

In between all of that have been countless MRIs and other scans to keep an eye on my cancer and figure out what's happening. Since I can't feel what's going on inside, it's really a surprise every time, and waiting is hard and scary. 

Currently I'm on chemo pills which make me tired and 2 of 3 weeks are pretty hard. I have very little appetite and feel nauseous often. The targeted radiation hopefully killed off any existing cancer in my head, though I can't get a scan until after the new year because radiation takes time. Targeted radiation ideally gets just the spots of cancer and possibly just around the outside. So maybe I won't have any cancer in my head soon? But I don't know. And really the chemo pills are the hard part. 

I was pretty happy when I found out there were 9 spots of cancer. Brad reminded me that the optimal number of spots is 0, and while he was definitely right, I had assumed I had SO many more spots. So 9 felt not too scary. That's the crazy world you're in when you have cancer... 9 spots sounds good!

So that's the journey so far. There's been a lot in between. I keep thinking about my long walks in our old neighborhood and the countless prayers I said while walking, kneeling, laying in bed, and driving in the car. I think of all the beautiful blessings the Lord continues to give me, and all the times I've been assured He has a plan. I think of my fear, and the letting go, and I'm grateful for all He is teaching me, even though I don't love that I'm learning this way.