The Journey

 It feels like I should be done by now, right? At least out of options. I keep thinking I've hit that point and then another option presents itself. But I'll get to that. And don't get me wrong. It's just that I believe this isn't it, and medical treatments for cancer aren't so great.

First of all, I realized maybe I should share what type of cancer I have. I have followed someone on social media that recently shared she has breast cancer. It drives me NUTS that she never. says what kind of cancer she has, because it matters if you know anything about cancer. And then I realized I never shared that either. So, in case you are wondering, I am Her2 Positive (HER2+), and here are some things you may not know about cancer unless you've been very directly involved:

• There are different types of cancer. With breast cancer it's typically tied to hormones. HER2+ is a protein and it has receptors, just like estrogen or progesterone cancers have receptors. There is Estrogen+ or Progesterone+ or Triple Negative (which is the absence of all hormones). Those aren't the only kinds, but they are typical. And treatment depends on the type of cancer and the type of hormones involved.
• My cancer has metastasized to my brain, so I now have cancer in my brain, but it is actually breast cancer that has moved to my brain, not brain cancer. While there are enough similarities it kind of doesn't matter, it's still not the same thing. 

When I first found out I had Her2+ cancer I was told it was good news because it's very treatable. I knew that it was aggressive, but that it used to kill 95% of women who had it, and with targeted treatments now saves 95% of patients. But what I didn't know is that it's very common to have a recurrence (have the cancer come back) with HER2+ cancer. 

I was diagnosed in July of 2020. After my diagnosis I went through 6 rounds of chemo (once every 3 weeks) and then had a mastectomy in January of 2021. Radiation was also part of my plan but I opted not to get radiation. I wasn't super comfortable with the idea, and I was totally clear. In other words, they took out all the tissue and found no cancer. My Oncologist explained radiation was actually to avoid a local recurrence (cancer coming back in the breast area), and he said they could just do surgery. But it wouldn't help me avoid the cancer coming back anywhere else. Initially I had expanders put in for implants and then learned about Breast Implant Illness and decided that while some women have no symptoms, I'd rather not risk it and I had my expanders removed in April of 2021.

I spent 8 months thinking I was free of cancer, and then in August of 2021 they found 3 spots in my brain that they believed was breast cancer. So at that point I was officially diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer.

Since that time this has been my journey:

• Brain Surgery in October of 2021 to remove the 3 spots
• Enhertu treatments every 3 weeks (a treatment to keep cancer from returning)
• Radiation Therapy on my brain in April of 2022 after finding a spot that appeared to be cancerous.
• Chemo pills that were started in July after finding more spots on my brain
• Targeted Radiation treatments on 9 cancerous spots in November of 2022.

In between all of that have been countless MRIs and other scans to keep an eye on my cancer and figure out what's happening. Since I can't feel what's going on inside, it's really a surprise every time, and waiting is hard and scary. 

Currently I'm on chemo pills which make me tired and 2 of 3 weeks are pretty hard. I have very little appetite and feel nauseous often. The targeted radiation hopefully killed off any existing cancer in my head, though I can't get a scan until after the new year because radiation takes time. Targeted radiation ideally gets just the spots of cancer and possibly just around the outside. So maybe I won't have any cancer in my head soon? But I don't know. And really the chemo pills are the hard part. 

I was pretty happy when I found out there were 9 spots of cancer. Brad reminded me that the optimal number of spots is 0, and while he was definitely right, I had assumed I had SO many more spots. So 9 felt not too scary. That's the crazy world you're in when you have cancer... 9 spots sounds good!

So that's the journey so far. There's been a lot in between. I keep thinking about my long walks in our old neighborhood and the countless prayers I said while walking, kneeling, laying in bed, and driving in the car. I think of all the beautiful blessings the Lord continues to give me, and all the times I've been assured He has a plan. I think of my fear, and the letting go, and I'm grateful for all He is teaching me, even though I don't love that I'm learning this way.