Life, Legacy, and the Journey

One day someone asked me, “What do you want your legacy to be? What do you want your children to know when you’re gone?” As I thought about it, my answer was that I wanted them to know that God is great. And He’s greater than cancer. 

I may not be able to grow plants, but I am really good at growing cancer, and I don’t even know how I’m doing it, but it’s back. And there isn’t really anything left for me medically but prolong the inevitable. I’m taking two different chemo pills, and I may get a few spots radiated to avoid Whole Brain Radiation, but I’m out of any other options. 

If you are thinking that I should try some holistic options, I have. If you think I should get a second opinion, I know what my options are right now. If you’re thinking maybe I should try more chemo, there are several reasons I would say that’s not an option, but honestly the biggest is that until God is done with me, cancer will keep coming back. My body so far hasn’t responded well to medicine. 

Brad and I found some carpenter ants in a pot we had a tree in this summer. We poured ant poison in the dirt, and then moved the pot and covered the ground where we found more underneath. We hoped that we got them and they wouldn’t come back. I realized that’s exactly what we do for cancer. Once we find it we try to kill what we find, and we take out what we can from the source and hope for the best. But we can’t always tell where it’s coming from. They took my breasts, but the cancer had already moved to my brain. And how is it getting there? Nobody can say. Whether you take a holistic or medicinal approach, no one has all the answers. 

I wholeheartedly believe that our bodies are one of the most powerful ways God can talk to us and work with us. We don’t really appreciate what we have until we don’t. I also know that we are all different, so while there is often a “right” answer to our journey, God made each of us, and we are individuals.

Here is the most important thing I believe, that I’ve had a hard time saying out loud: I  believe there is a path for me and I believe I’m not done here. As far as medicine is concerned that is not true. And I’ve often felt like I was crazy. For one, it’s not everyone’s answer. But I don’t feel like I’m meant to stay for me. I feel like I’m not done with what God needs for me to do. So is this scary? Yes. Do I wonder about my family? Everyday. But I know that if God has a plan, and if I’ve misunderstood and that doesn’t include me being here, then He definitely has a plan for my family.

I do feel so grateful for many things on this journey. The biggest is that I’ve been able to live the last few years. I haven’t been laying in a bed unable to be a mom and a wife. It’s strange to be so sick and not feel sick. But it’s allowed me to live. I don’t have a thousand things I feel like I need to check off my bucket list. I’ve lived a beautiful life. I’ve loved so many, and have been loved by so many. And I’m a wife and a mom. I plan to be here to watch my babies grow. But I know that I’m on a journey and ultimately I will see it through, and do my part all along the way.

Land that I Love

 I think I am not a crazy big fan of a lot of things. I don't have a favorite sports team. I don't love a particular band. I definitely lean more to one side than the other of politics, but I like to think I'm pretty open-minded. But I can say that I LOVE the United States of America, and I love celebrating the 4th of July. I still tear up when I hear the Star Spangled Banner and say the Pledge of Allegiance. It doesn't matter how much we struggle as humanity to get life right. We still live in a country that's pretty great. I haven't personally lived outside of our country. But I've known those who do (or have) and most would say we have it pretty great. In fact, I learned that there are people from another country that get cancer treatments at my office, because they literally won't survive if they just wait for their name to come up on a list.

I grew up in a place that knew how to celebrate the 4th of July. In fact, I have gone back to Utah most summers to celebrate with my family. I love all the booths at the Centerville park, the concert and firework show, the beautiful (and sometimes super hot) Utah weather, the parade (and children's parade), the fun run, and the family time mixed in. Utah in the summer is magical to me. It's nice and cool in the evenings and mornings, and hot but dry in the daytime. I usually see good friends along with all my family. I love it. 

When we first moved to Florida I was a little bummed that people don't celebrate like they do in Utah. I still don't really understand. I know it's hot. But in Florida, we know how to handle the heat! But it seems like most celebrating happens indoors, with fireworks at night. Luckily, Winter Garden knows how to celebrate! We went to the children's parade several years ago, so we decided to do that again this year. My favorite quote was when Devin said, "It's really hot, Mom. It sounded fun to go to the children's parade." That morning Brad was sick, I just learned there was a huge fire on the mountain in Centerville, the boys were cranky from being up too late, and my health is not what I thought it would be," so part of me was thinking, Happy Birthday America! What a day this is shaping up to be! But, I wanted to make the most of it, and all those feelings melted away as I listened to someone sing our national anthem and I said the Pledge of Allegiance. I was so touched by so many who came out to celebrate and all chose to walk in the Children's Parade together. Yes, it was hot. But, it was magical to celebrate. 

Later that day we had a little pool time, made homemade ice cream, and joined some friends for an epic home firework show. The boys even got to do some sparklers. I'll be honest, I'm pretty sure sparklers are more stressful to me than any other firework, and I'm not sure who decided it was smart to give kids flaming metal rods to play with, but my kids definitely loved them, so you know, we'll probably let them have some next year too.

I'm grateful we celebrated. I'm grateful my kids see that celebrating our freedoms in important. I love the quote, "Home of the free because of the brave". I'm so grateful for all those who have made those freedoms possible, some from my own family. I want my kids to recognize freedom is important, and we choose it every day. We will never be perfect, but we can keep working on being a little better every day.