The Middle

 I felt like I needed to step away from Social Media and from sharing for a bit. And for the most part, even if I stop in on Social Media I don't stay there. I also am not sure I'm ready to share a whole lot yet. But someone the other day said, "We never hear about 'the middle'. We always hear about how someone's testimony has been strengthened after the fact, or how the miracle took place and what it looks like now. But we don't hear about the crisis that comes in the middle, or the hard stuff as it's happening." (I seriously don't remember where I heard this, but it didn't come from me). 

When I heard this I thought about the fact that I'm not having a crisis of faith. Maybe the opposite. But, I definitely am in the middle (and also, maybe we don't want to hear about the middle until after the fact because we want to know it all worked out. We like seeing the middle as a blip, rather than part of the journey when we didn't know the end of the story). 

I used to run my tongue over my braces as I lay in bed at night, wondering what it would feel like to feel real teeth since it seemingly would never happen, and I realized I'm in that place now. I wonder what it's like to put food in my mouth without labeling it. I wonder what it's like to take my kids to school and not think about what it would be like for them to have another mom. Or my husband to have a new wife. And while I don't stay there, they are real questions that I never thought I would be asking myself.

But even though I wonder about those things, I also wonder what the person in line with me is at the doctor for. I wonder if the car is front of me is rushing off to a hospital or just found out someone died. I smile at the kids who tell me their Ya Ya got the ultimate healing when she died from cancer. I ask them what kind and they don't know because to them it's just "cancer", and I don't tell them that I know a lot more about cancer than they realize. I don't want to be that face for them. I don't tell people that I've had brain surgery and a mastectomy. They can't see that. And that's ok. They don't need to see that. I'm not the only one who's carrying hard. Sometimes it feels less hard than a constant battle with depression, or even daily doses of pain. Ultimately I'm learning to accept my story, and the trickiest part is leaning into what God intended for me and surrendering to His story.

I just read a quote by EE Cummings that said, "To be notbody-but yourself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself-means to fight and never stop fighting." I read that in a Brene Brown book, after which she said, "'Staying real' is one of the most courageous battles we'll ever fight."

I've heard some people say they are surprised at what I've shared on social media because it's not everyone else's business. And it's true. So I'm sharing it here and hopefully the people who care will read it. And I was the person that invited 500 of my closest friends and family to my wedding because I love them all. Whether that love is returned, it is genuinely felt. So while I don't want to share my life with everyone, I'm okay with sharing some pieces of me, and saying that I'm afraid to be imperfect. I'm afraid to make mistakes, And I'm realizing that I trust God with my whole heart, but sometimes I struggle to trust myself. And maybe someone else is feeling that too.

I've had more than one friend say, "I'm so impressed with your faith right now. I'm not sure I would do the same thing you have done." Honestly, I've leaned into God because I would do that with anything in my life. So in that way-yes-I'm leaning into my faith, and that is a natural response. But also, it's my life, very literally. It's my kids. It's my family. And where else can I turn? What else can I do? So many that I know would absolutely do the same. And some wouldn't. I don't understand that. Not because I think they are wrong to figure out what gets them through. It is a heavy thing to make choices that literally affects my existence in this world and that would be hard for anyone. But for me, trusting there is a God who loves me is what gets me through every day. It's what allows me to trust that my kids and my husband will be okay no matter what happens to me. If He wants me here, I will be here, But ultimately, He has a plan for them, whatever His plan is for me (by the way, that's way easier to say than it is to live, but I believe it).

All that said, I feel like God has been very direct to me. I believe that He's already performed incredible miracles on my behalf. I probably shouldn't still be alive. Even though I've leaned into my faith, He's also given me VERY direct answers. And that's the biggest reason I want to say that I TRUST HIM. But I have struggled to trust myself, that I will Hear him. And finally, I've learned to surrender. Which doesn't mean I am getting this all right. Sometimes I still try to do it my way. But I've learned to hold onto the plan He has for me. I've been learning about the Exodus and one thing I heard today was the fact that God has already saved us, and now asks us to obey and trust. Too often we expect to obey and then ask to be saved. I realized I have done that SO much. God has shown me over and over that this is not in my control. No matter how I eat or what I do for myself, this is out of my hands. That doesn't mean I shouldn't take care of myself, but it does mean that He wants me to trust Him, not just me and all the voices around me. We are all different. I can't control cancer away, or make it better. I used to think just a change in diet and making better choices could heal me. It can't. I think cancer attacks us from many different angles, and He's the one that knows My story. It's not my job to know everyone's or what everyone else should do... just me. I'm His. I love the way the Children of Israel kept thinking they were led away to die in the wilderness. I used to think they were so ridiculous for not trusting when God delivered them, fed them, gave them water when they were thirsty, etc. But I know that's me! Every day I have to trust all over again and remember all He's already done. 

Okay, that was a lot. But there are just a few things I have learned 'in the middle' I want to capture:

• Everyone is carrying their "hard", so be kind. I don't know what anyone else is carrying, but it's hard too! I'm learning to trust that everyone has their journey, so my job is to be kind. I have no idea what their perceptions are but God loves ALL of us.
• Be authentic! I feel like I've spent my life doing what everyone else wants, or trying to just be what others needed. I always tried to be authentic, but maybe I haven't always been totally true to myself. Sometime's it's hard when people seem to want you to agree with them. Also, when you have a disease, everyone has an opinion on what you should do. It's sometimes hard to hear my own voice and God's voice when I'm carrying everyone else's fears, not just my own.
• TRUST! I have to trust myself, but also God. He has delivered, He can deliver, and He will.
• Nothing is all good or all bad. God made us. He knows what we're capable of and what our bodies are capable of. That doesn't mean science is wrong. But we are also all individuals.
• We can't see the full picture. So we have to trust the one who does.

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I hope I haven't said too much, or too little. I think it's important not to over-share. And I'm not naive enough to think I'm the only one going through something big. But somehow, I hope that my desire to trust might help someone else too. And it's part of being myself. Being willing to be vulnerable. To say I make mistakes and to be okay with that. And to help others know it's ok that we screw up sometimes. It's all part of the journey. Someone called this life "practice", and I liked that. We are practicing, and somedays we are rocking it, and somedays we just get through. But it's all part of the journey.