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| Getting ready for riding some waves |
I need to start this by saying I feel like a pretty courageous and adventurous person. So it's a little hard to admit that I had some major anxiety about a WATER PARK visit, but the lesson learned was valuable, so here you go:
It turns out that in general I have a little bit of anxiety about being in water and not having 110% control of my situation. I will hop in a lake on a wave runner or ride a wakeboard behind a boat (in Utah where there are no gators in the water), but I'm out when it comes to river rafting and the waves get me a little anxious at the beach. I think some of this may have to do with getting older, and therefore more cautious. But I didn't realize just how anxious I've become until Brad and I spent a day at the Typhoon Lagoon water park at Disney World last month. His favorite thing at the park is the wave pool, where every 90 seconds a GIANT wave pushes it's way toward the "beach".
Brad wanted to swim right out to the deep end to catch the front of the wave. He promised me it was much better in the deep end and asked me to at least swim out once with him. I was surprisingly nervous about this idea. My biggest fear was getting caught in the wave right in the middle of the pool where it was strongest. We slowly worked our way into deeper water, and finally I gathered my courage, waited for one last wave to come by, and swam for all I was worth to get to the deep end before the next wave was released. I was out of breath and nervous. I waited for Brad's word and paddled again with all my might as I rose up gently in the swell of the wave, and settled back down in calmer waters. You'll notice I said gently, but the second we came back down I was swimming back to the shallow end as fast as my body would take me. I still felt out of breath and the fact that it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought was not enough to keep me there.
Brad figured I needed a break and sweetly offered to take a cruise in the lazy river which was much more my style. We lounged in the river, ate a snack, and eventually headed back to the wave pool again. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just couldn't. So I sent Brad out on his own, wanting him to have a good time, even though I was a pretty lame water park buddy.
I sat along the edge of the water for a bit, and eventually waded into the shallow water, all the while feeling really pretty lame. I knew that there was nothing unsafe about being in the water and that I was letting my fear get the best of me. But every time I started to venture a little deeper, I turned back. I kept waiting for the next wave and thinking I'd try to make it out to Brad. I could see him out there and I knew if I could get to him I would be fine.
I mustered up my courage and started swimming toward him just after a wave came through. I paddled hard and was 50 feet from my goal when my "flight" instinct kicked in and I turned around to head back to "safety". Just as I started paddling I heard the dreaded "WHOOSH" of the wave and I realized that because I turned around I was in the exact place I did NOT want to be. The wave would hit me right at it's most powerful point. All I could do was paddle and let it come. And you know what? It came and went. And I didn't die. In fact, it really wasn't terrible at all.
I gathered my courage and was going to try again as Brad started heading toward shore. When he realized I was coming to him he was so excited! He took me by the hand (literally and then figuratively since it would have been hard to swim that way) and together we rode the next wave, and the next wave, and the next. From the deep end. And it was AMAZING!!! I loved it! I just needed to let go of my fear, trust my swimming skills, and trust Brad's confidence in me. I had a blast, but more importantly I also felt incredible joy for not letting my fear keep me down.
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| Proof we survived the rough waters |
I'd like to think I've already made a decent point about overcoming my fears. But the full lesson came full circle for me just last weekend.
I started a new job recently that includes taking on some new challenges. I am thrilled with the opportunity, and I know that I have the skills and the creativity to be successful, but taking on something new brings out all kinds of anxieties and insecurities and in actuality, lately I have felt numb more than anything. I started pouring out my feelings to Brad last Saturday night (I know, what a fun date night topic), and I told him I'm incredibly grateful for all that the Lord has blessed us with, but I think it all feels temporary, and that the other shoe may drop at any moment and I'm afraid to accept that this could really be our life. I'm afraid I won't be good enough, or that it will all fall apart. These job insecurities seemed to be spreading to life in general, and I was having a hard time getting excited about anything.
Brad listened intently and eventually said, "I'm trying really hard not to fix this..." (might I just interject that I so appreciate that his first reaction was to just listen, even though he had a suggestion. I am a very blessed girl to have him as my best friend forever. End mushy sidebar)
"Please! Tell me how to fix it!" I said. "I am not just looking to vent. I actually would love to hear your insight!"
"So, remember how you felt when we were at Typhoon Lagoon?" he asked. And it all came to me, just like that. He, of course, helped with the analogy. But as soon as he started talking I was blown away by the fact that my fear, my numbness, my inability to get excited about the future all stemmed from the fact that I am standing in shallow water today. I just walked into the "wave pool" of a new life, and the fun part is waiting, but I have to get through those rough waters in the middle, and I have to believe I can get there, and trust that I am surrounded by those who will help me.
I'm not sitting pretty riding the calm waves yet, and it will probably take awhile. But just like that big wave didn't kill me, neither will a few rough demos while I learn my trade. I just have to enjoy the journey and take them as they come.
