Spiritual Senses        

"The last month has been a bit of a blur, but I figured it was time for an update. I'm in the waiting place right now. I thought I would hate that. And there are moments it's hard if I'm honest. But it's actually been so beautiful in ways I was not expect.

I stopped taking my medicine in the middle of January. To be honest, I was ready. I knew medicine was not the means to an end for me. It just meant endless 3 week cycles of misery. Sick stomach, diarrhea, and endless pills that were not curing me, just keeping me alive. And while that might be good enough for someone else, I knew it wasn't meant to be my story. I also knew that it was only keeping me alive until it was time for a new route, so every time I got a good scan it wold just be 3 more month of medicine and another scan to see who things were looking. Eventually it wold look bad again. It was only a matter of time. So I told Brad in January I wasn't hoping for a good scan, which was news to him. 

When it was apparent things weren't taking a positive turn I quite taking all my meds. I was super excited to have an appetite again, and to start feeling well, but while medicine wasn't making me feeling WELL, I didn't account for the wait it wasn't making me sick. So almost immediately after getting off my meds I got much more tired, and it definitely took awhile for my appetite to come back. It sure it back in full force now, thanks to my steroids and several months of chemo pills, but it definitely took some time. 

No only tit I start feeling worse, but my eye almost immediately started having problems. I basically only have one good eye now. When that happened I got pretty bummed. I know there is a plan and I will get through this, but the waiting suddenly seemed much harder when I lost an eye. No more driving (at least not for now. I don't really feel safe driving myself or my kids). I can't work on puzzles. It' shard to read, and for awhile it was really hard to do just about anything. I felt like I'd been given a handicap I could totally live with, and then had it ripped out of my hands. But, after my initial setup I realized that I'd been given a gift. Every time I've been in the "waiting" period, I've found a thousand ways to fill that time. And actually, I rarely accomplish the things I want to. The days get filled with all sorts of things."

This is a post Rachel didn't finish. I am keeping it the way it was. Preserved as a memory of her.