My friend Erica turned to me one day as we were driving and said, "Rachel! Stop telling me how to solve my problem. I know there is a solution, and I actually know what it is, but right now I just want you to listen while I vent about the fact that it sucks!"
I learned two things about myself that day. First, my listening skills needed some work. Second, I realized fixing was always in my nature. While we all need to wallow about life from time to time, my go to response to a problem is to make it right whatever it takes. And that is great when there is a clear and defined path leading to a solution. But much more challenging when the answer is that ever familiar "Be still and know that I am God", or "You'll know when it's the right thing", or you know, anything that requires patience and listening (there's that whole listening thing again...).
The initial stage of cancer diagnosis drove the fixer in me into weeks of adrenaline fueled life that left me wrecked by the time chemo came around. Unfortunately, life on adrenaline isn't something I ever recognize until later. I just thought I was managing, planning, taking care of what I needed to and trying to eat as healthy as I could. Then one day I realized I didn't know the last time I'd felt hungry, or tired, or aware of my body's needs. I'd already lost 5 pounds, I was suddenly getting nauseous, and treatments hadn't even begun. Yikes.
Living with something growing inside my body was clearly not working well for me. And then treatment was delayed because I don't fit into the traditional mold of American healthcare. After my doctor worked some magic, a date was finally set and things were in motion. Awesome. And also terrifying. We've all heard of chemo. We all hope and pray that it's not us that has to do it, and I pray even more it will never be my loved ones.
My mom flew into town about a week before chemo started and I was so grateful to have her here with us. I was much more of a wreck than I even knew, and she jumped right in helping out with the boys, the house, and getting things in order. Knowing diet was a concern for me, she also ordered the Cancer Fighting Cookbook so she had an arsenal of tips and recipes that might be helpful during chemo, and she was a really good sport about trying to keep up with my daily updates on which new diet I thought would be best to follow. One day it was Keto, the next it was plant based, and some days I just felt like I should just not worry about it and deal with that after treatments (but remember how I'm a fixer? So yeah, that last one was never going to work).
Despite the intensity August brought, there were daily reminders of goodness that filled my cup to overflowing. My mom and dear friend Ashlee schemed and created a plan to bring in bread donations to the store as a birthday surprise. About 2 days before my birthday we suddenly started seeing familiar names buying up loaves of bread by the tens and even occasionally hundreds. I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude. I also started receiving unexpected packages and gifts filled with things to encourage and support me on my journey. While many of these came from close family and friends, we also had customers from our store that brought Brad things to share with me. One customer asked how we were doing, and then asked if he could pray for me. Brad of course said yes, and he stood right there in our store and offered a prayer in my behalf. As if all that wasn't enough, a few days after my first chemo, I opened my phone to find a GoFundMe that was started by dear friends from work, and they had already raised $6k, that was also for donations to go toward our store (it was just for a couple of weeks, so it's no longer open. I wanted to mention that since a few people had asked). I opened the link and just ugly cried. There were so many friends I had worked with that were so generous, along with complete strangers. The goodness just overwhelmed me.
By the time treatment came along, I was as ready as I could be. Nervous, and unsure what the coming days would bring. But ready. That morning I opened the first link on my chain of inspiration (one part of the bonus package my sister and her family put together for me). The first quote on the chain was, "Can't go over it, can't go under it, you have to go through it," from The Bear Hunt. Perfect. Light. Simple and even a little silly based on the origin. Full of truth.
Day 1 of Chemo
Going through it is hard. Some days it feels totally doable. Some days I still wonder how this could really be my life. Some days I know for sure God knew this was meant to be my trial. Most days it's really hard that I can't "fix" this overnight. It's a marathon, not a sprint. I have months ahead, and even a lifetime to make sure I heal right, and I heal for good. But I'm grateful I'm not fixing it alone. In fact, I am reminded every day my life is in his hands.
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