My Sweet Devy Dev,
It's been a long time since I've written just to you. Life has been a crazy intense roller coaster, and I haven't been able to document all the beautiful things that have come along the way I wish I could. But today, I needed to share with you, for you, what you've done for my heart.
When I found out I had cancer, the scariest part was wondering if I would have to leave you and Davey behind. I trust God and His plan. But, the thought of not getting to see you grow up is a lot for a mama heart to take. Being your mom has been the most beautiful journey, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. And I can't wait to see what you'll do with your life! And worrying you might not know just how much I love you breaks my heart.
I believe I will heal, and that we'll have so much more life together. And I know that this time will be a blur in your young life that will pass, and maybe you'll forget the heaviness that you never quite understood. But I see you trying to process what is happening. You knew I was sick, but I didn't look like it, and I didn't act like it. Until one day I did. And I know that soon I will lose my hair, and you will know that something is not right. And there will be lots more days of watching me hurt and struggle. And amidst this you'll be trying to work out how to be a kid at school with new rules and new friends, and I worry that you won't be able to communicate the things you feel, but don't yet understand.
All these things have weighted heavy on my heart. And then yesterday you reminded me that you are strong, and you are capable, and your heart is what is carrying me. You came in yesterday morning and gave me the sweetest kiss, telling me it was time to get up. When I said I didn't feel good and I couldn't get up, you just gave me a snuggle and offered me your blanket in case I needed an extra one. You were kind and sweet and excited about everything. Especially about being with Mimi and Papa. You got out the vacuum all by yourself, dragged it all the way into the family room, unwound the cord and plugged it in, and pulled out the hose to vacuum the crumbs you had left on the couch. And throughout the day you did things like offer to share your part of the couch as you said, "because you are so special to me, and Daddy, and Mimi and Papa."
Each of these little things were sweet. But more than the sweetness of each act, I felt you reaching your little heart and soul to wrap yourself around me in love. You, my little love, took care of me yesterday. My little big almost 5 year old. I am so proud of who you are. I'm so grateful for your sweet, loving heart. I want you to know that light is in you always. And I know that one day, when you can understand so much more, I want you to know what you gave to me. Because it was a big act of love for a very young boy. I love you Dev.
Xoxo,
Mom
