Cancer

“Silence like a cancer grows…”

That line has run through my head countless times this past week. The “C” word is obvious, but something else compels me to dwell on it a bit. I think it has something to do with the concept of silence connected to something so intensely consuming, both physically and emotionally.  

I’ve only experienced cancer firsthand for a single month so far, which includes the moment I found the lump and acknowledged something wasn’t quite right. A lifetime of emotions, questions, waiting and wondering seems to have passed since that time. Knowing that this disease has been hiding, camouflaged in my body brings up many questions. Did I do something (or NOT do something) that left me weak and vulnerable? I’m full of new questions I hadn’t thought to ask before. Did I let it in? Could it have been prevented? I’ve tried to be pretty healthy throughout my life. I am active; I eat lots of fruits and veggies, and we haven’t even had a microwave for the past year (I did give in and buy one this week. Partially because other people will be helping me out a lot more, but also because let’s face it… if I’m going to have cancer anyway, I might as well cut down on time spent cooking and cleaning).

Clearly, I’m struggling with what I did to let cancer in, but it’s even harder to deal with the reality that I can’t just make it go away. I am a fixer, and when something isn’t right, I’ll do everything in my power to make it better. I’ve never wanted to take a shower so much as I have the last few weeks. I want to force the showerhead into my chest to wash the cancer out, or flush it out with a magic detox drink. But I can’t just make it go away, which I guess gives God the perfect opportunity to continue teaching me patience and trust.

My desire to “fix” my situation, and my questions about how I got here aren’t a need to change my circumstance or dwell on the past. I accept them as a part of this process. A need to work through a new reality, a new journey. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m not angry, at least not at this stage. Am I scared? Definitely. But I’ve been assured that this is part of God’s plan for me, so I know there are things I’m ready to learn, and He will be there with me along the way. He always has been, and He always will be. Cancer quietly lodged itself next to my heart, and I don’t like it there. But as I start to get answers about the path ahead, I’m starting to feel a new peace, and hope for a future full of beautiful reminders that God is there, and He’s taking this journey with me.