Blue

I have wonderful childhood memories of bedtime. My dad would sing us the Lonesome Cowboy song. My mom would tell us stories of Murphy and the Green Fairy (stories I hope she writes up and publishes one day) and sing Edelweiss. And in those moments when my heart was troubled, my mom would listen to my worries, and tell me to think of "blue".

As she talked about "blue", in my mind I would sink into their ocean-sized waterbed with it's baby blue bedspread. I would imagine looking up at the sky and watching lines of white streak the sky as planes passed overhead. And somehow, as I thought about "blue", the turbulence in my little soul eased and I could sleep.

In the past few weeks I've been decorating and hanging pictures in our newest home, and thinking about the style that suits me. I love the way things have come together, but my favorite room in the house is our bedroom. I knew when we found the perfect bedspread. Every time I walk into my room, I see it, and it brings me a gentle kind of joy. That's silly, right? It's a bedspread. But I looked around my room tonight and realized there is blue everywhere in this room. I've added splashes of color and pictures to the wall, but when I walk in this room, I see "blue".

Sometimes when I lie down at night the world starts to feel overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about my incomplete task list, the comment I should have kept to myself, the pregnancy and health of the baby, and even the boogeyman who might be lurking outside while Brad is still at work (he never goes away no matter how old you get). And sometimes I still wake up from a terrible nightmare and can't shake the awfulness from my conscious soul. In those moments, when all else fails me, I still think of "blue".

Our "blue" room

Oh Boy!!!

21 weeks in. Wow. Are we really already there? I spent so many weeks anxiously waiting to feel this little person moving around, to start looking pregnant instead of suspiciously overweight, and to know whether to plan for pink bows or blue dinosaurs. And last Friday we not only learned we are having a sweet little boy, but I also feel like I went from 0 to PREGNANT almost overnight.

The emotional rollercoaster has officially begun, starting with the ultrasound. Brad and I both choked up at the site of our little guy, and the tears didn't stop all weekend. Seeing my little boy moving around, kicking his legs, and resting his tiny hand on his face were sweet experiences. But watching Brad see his son for the first time was indescribable. I will hold that in my heart forever. I feel immense gratitude for the man who is sharing this journey with me, and the love he already feels for our little family.

My belly has grown exponentially in a couple weeks time, and Dexter (we think that's going to be his name) has definitely started resting on my bladder pretty regularly. So maybe there is some discomfort in the near future, but the feeling of a little somebody moving around inside of me is worth it. I love laying in bed in the morning and feeling him wake up with me. Last night Brad held my belly and felt a kick or two for the first time. I told him last night that I get jealous of my friends who are through with pregnancy and enjoying their babies, but I don't want to wish away the next few months. I love feeling him grow and move from the inside.

Moving across the country in the middle of pregnancy was stressful, and for the longest time I felt a little bit numb. I was just trying to get from one day to the next, and get my list of tasks done. This last week, though I'm still putting up pictures, organizing closets, and changing addresses, I finally have had some time to step back and enjoy the reality that we are finally here in Florida, our little boy is growing and preparing to come to our family, and God has granted us so many of the desires of our hearts. I am overwhelmed by his love for us, his grace that has given us the life that we have, and the opportunities we have to look forward to in the months and years ahead.

Here is a little picture of my belly. But I'll be honest, I think it's about twice as big since I took this a week ago.

A couple of pictures we snapped at Disney the day after the Ultrasound

The Final Leg and Life in Florida

On Sunday afternoon in Houston, while enjoying the day with Wes and Jennifer, Brad decided to check his work schedule and discovered he needed to be at work on move-in day. Yikes! That put a bit of a wrench in our plans to "take our time" through the journey. To be honest, I think we were both ready to get to Florida anyway. We stayed in Houston through Monday to get our car fixed (and of course FINALLY get in a few hours of watching the Avengers save the world) and left early Tuesday morning to complete our journey.

Tuesday was a long day, and we decided to see how far we could get. The sooner we hit Orlando, the sooner our truck would be empty. I finally took a turn at the wheel to give Brad a break and to help pass the time. I actually love driving on road trips, but a trailer with a missing right blinker made me a bit nervous. I managed surprisingly well, even navigating a bit of local traffic near Pensacola.  I had to smile as we sat down to eat at Arby's and realized there was Christian Rock playing over the speakers. Yep! We were in the South. Walter was also incredible excited to finally be in Florida. We had to capture the moment as we crossed the border.

Tired and only slightly grumpy (mostly after trying to park the car), we decided to call it a night in Tallahassee. We grabbed as few necessities as possible, checked in, and fell into our beds thinking we might just sleep until noon. Not so. Brad and I both found ourselves wide awake at 4:15am. Whether it was the excitement of finishing the drive, or the worry our car with all our earthly possessions had been towed (we parked in the Outback Steakhouse parking lot because there were no spaces for a truck and trailer at the hotel), I'm still not sure. But by about 5am we decided we might as well get up and get the day started. Once we got on the road the lack of sleep caught up to me and I decided to lay my head back and close my eyes for a few moments. I hadn't slept in the car the whole drive and didn't figure this would be any different, but apparently I was asleep enough to not even notice Brad snagged a picture of me "enjoying the drive". 

We were "home" in Orlando by 11:30am Wednesday morning ready to get the keys to our condo and start unpacking. Mom and Ken Cottle arrived shortly after and the mass unpacking commenced! It took several days to start to feel like we lived in a "home", not just a war zone, but we're finally settled. The fridge and pantry are stocked (mostly), the furniture is all in place (other than baby room and an ugly recliner we need to get rid of), and all that's left is to add a few more pictures to the walls. Phew! Mom, Ken, and Dad Cottle (who arrived on Thursday evening) were an incredible help, and we couldn't have done it without them. Mom spent hours hanging and folding clothes to fill up our closet, and Dad and Ken put lots of furniture together. Ken was even (mostly) patient through several trips to Target and IKEA. Thanks to Suzanne, Hannah, and Grant who brought us food, and Dougie who helped unpack, move couches, and also fed us pizza. We have amazing friends and family. 

On the front end of things we definitely couldn't have packed in record time without the Bentleys, the Klcs, and Mom and Dad Randall. Dad's Tetris skills are pretty incredible, and we didn't even have to fill up space in the Expedition to get it all loaded. 

Here are a few pictures of the finished product. I am especially excited about the giant cabinet that holds our TV. Thanks to the challenge from Ken that I couldn't find anything to work, and a sleepless night, I decided to scour Craigslist and found something I've been wanting for a very long time! It's a bit shabby chic and just perfect!! We also scored a free couch from Uncle Jeff that goes well in the house, along with lots of free food (thanks Jeff!!).

The Office 

Living/Dining/Kitchen

Bedroom (with a lovely bed donated by David Randall. We seriously scored in the furniture department)

At least once a day I still find myself surprised that we're actually here. I've also discovered that we live in a really beautiful place! I know that sounds silly, since I've lived here before, but living on the southwest side of Orlando is a very different experience, and almost everyday I discover new things I love about it. We have a ward I already know I will love, we are close enough to see the Disney fireworks (although we have to walk to the front of our complex), and we are surrounded by beautiful lakes, homes, and greenery. I miss Utah, I miss my family and friends there, but I know we are where we need to be, and it feels good to start getting settled. 

New Mexico to Texas. . .

Day two of our journey was supposed to be the longest day of driving (based on a slight change in plans tomorrow may actually be the longest...) so we tried to get off to a good start with a clean windshield and and a full tank. This is how a little tiny girl cleans the windshield on a giant vehicle...

I'll be honest... most of day two just looked a lot like this:

But we did stop for a lovely little picnic in Albuquerque. If I thought Farmington was a disappointment, my opinion of New Mexico did not get much better by stopping in Albuquerque.  However, New Mexico was much less painful to drive through than Kansas or Nebraska.  

We did drive on historic Route 66, and a photo seemed appropriate.

While we planned for something with a little more ambience as an interesting dinner choice, we did enjoy some DELICIOUS tacos from a taco truck in Amarillo. It turns out trying to park a giant SUV and trailer is a bit of a challenge sometimes. :)

We skipped the souvenirs in Texas, although they were definitely tempting...

And finally landed in Wichita Falls for the night, only to discover there were flash flood and Tornado warnings being broadcast throughout the area. It's funny that we've done this drive during the winter twice, which of course left me concerned about the weather throughout the drive. I figured since we were leaving in May we'd be set! Fortunately we seemed to pass through Dallas just before the Tornado did, and the worst of the flooding in our area covered the freeway going the opposite direction we were headed. Phew!

We got to Houston on Saturday afternoon and we have spent a lovely couple of days hanging out with  cousins and taking a break from the drive. Scarlett and I have played barbies while Desmond is loving chasing Brad. Today Brad, Wes, and I finally got to see the Avengers as well, which was a blast.

 We also got our window fixed, which is fantastic so we won't have to worry about it slipping down through our remaining two days. Anecdote about the windshield: During our drive we had a long way to go, so we decided to listen to an audiobook. We downloaded it and played it through the car stereo. Because the window was faulty, we would have to occasionally slide the window up to make it stop whistling. We did this by me grabbing ahold of the wheel from the passenger seat and Brad using both hands the slide it from one side. This would happen about every 15 minutes. So we are very  glad we won't have to do it anymore. Now we need to clean off all the finger smudges.

A few other memorable and humorous moments of the last few days:

We noticed on Friday morning that there was an adult video store across the street from our hotel. Right in front of it was a GIANT billboard that said "Jesus is watching you." Nice placement. :)

As we drove through Albuquerque we noticed traffic was completely stopped on the opposite side of the freeway. We happened to be passing just in time to see a motorcade and a hearse enter the freeway. Still have no idea who might have died that required stopping the freeway. If anyone has any ideas let us know. Google was no help.

The Road Trip: Day 1

Brad and I packed up the trailer last night (with lots of help from an amazing dad and some wonderful friends) and headed out first thing this morning for our third cross-country road trip. After two and a half years in the west it's time to go back to Florida. A few tears were shed by both of us as we pulled away, but we are so excited for the adventures ahead. Here are a few highlights from our first day:

Our last beautiful view of the Wasatch front. Brad rolled down the window for me to get a good shot and we couldn't roll it back up. Eventually it rolled back up while Brad was pushing the button to roll it down. Not a good sign. We're hoping to get that fixed in Houston when we have a few extra hours to spare.

The best part of our day was a stop at Arches National Park. We drove through most of the park and decided to hike up to Delicate Arch. It was a gorgeous day and it was amazing to watch Brad discover the wonders of Southern Utah.

We agreed to eat simple meals for lunch and find something interesting and local for dinner. This didn't pan out so well in Farmington, NM where options are severely limited. We settled for Japanese food from a restaurant that delivered straight to the hotel. Oh well, it was a pretty amazing first day, even if dinner was a little lackluster. 

The Journey to Our Miracle

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. It’s just a part of who I am. There is nothing in this world that brings more joy to my heart than babies and little children. Watching my nieces and nephews discover life is the most fascinating thing.  While I’ve had wonderful moments in my career, my marriage, and my single life, I’ve always looked forward to the day that I would start watching my own child’s life start to take shape.

In August of 2013, Brad and I were told that having our own child might never be a possibility. I knew God wanted us to be parents, but realizing it may take extreme measures to get there was terrifying. Having known incredible families who have struggled through infertility and adoption, I knew this road would be long and costly, both monetarily and emotionally. 

Once we knew the odds, we started discussing our options and praying for guidance. I was discouraged, but hopeful we could find a solution. On a particularly rough night, I asked Brad to give me a priesthood blessing. I needed guidance from the Lord to help me find strength and courage to face the battle ahead. In the blessing I was assured that we would know the path to follow as we started our journey. While this didn’t tell me exactly what to do, I had hope, and I was ready to start taking action.

Our first stop was LDS Family Services. I knew if adoption was part of our journey, we needed to get started right away. We set up online classes and put together an upbeat Facebook post letting all of our friends, family, and acquaintances know that we were “excited” about the opportunity to adopt. As I clicked send, the sobs poured out of my “excited” soul. See, adoption is a miracle, and I know firsthand the incredible blessing it brings to all involved. However, I also know of the hope, heartbreak, fear, and endless waiting that comes before the blessing. Acknowledging our situation out loud to everyone we knew suddenly made this journey intensely real. This moment was the most painful, and maybe the most hopeless for me.

Our next stop was a fertility doctor. I wasn’t convinced adoption was our only option, and we wanted some more formal answers from a medical specialist who could potentially help boost our chances of conception. As the doctor reviewed our options, I knew immediately in vitro was not something I was ready to pursue. I was open to doing what was necessary, but the process did not feel like the right path for us. However, the doctor did suggest a less complicated procedure, and we decided to try that for a few months, and then revisit the possibility of in vitro.

The night before the second procedure, I realized it didn’t feel right, and I started thinking about the blessing I’d received with the promise that I would know what to do. I felt like we should do it, but I didn’t know. I spent the day going back and forth in my mind without finding peace, so that night I drove up the hill, sat in front of the temple, and poured my heart out to the Lord. I decided I needed to lay it all out on the altar, and let Him help me figure this out.  I was afraid that my concern over money was holding me back. Or maybe I still didn’t think I was ready for motherhood. It seemed I should be taking every opportunity given, so I couldn’t determine why I felt so unsure. 

As I prayed for guidance that night, I was reminded of a scripture I read shortly after moving to Rexburg. In 1 Nephi 17:13 the Lord tells Nephi, “…I will be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments. And if ye keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led.” The Spirit taught me at then that we all are heading toward our “promised land”, and the Lord wants to provide miracles along the way so we have the assurance that we are led by him. I realized the Lord had been my light in the wilderness many times, and had required nothing but patience, faith, and obedience. As I looked back at that teaching moment I found myself saying, “Heavenly Father, I was promised that I would know the right path. And while our options aren’t bad, I don’t seem to know they are right. I feel like this is meant to be your miracle to give. That I am not meant to take every option the world gives, because you will provide the way, and I will know it is from thee.” I assured him I was willing to follow any path, and asked for a clear perspective if my understanding was misguided, and closed my prayer feeling peace. I knew there was another answer for us, and with patience it would come.

I was apprehensive about sharing my feelings with Brad, knowing it was hard to let go of the opportunity to take whatever help we could find. But he was incredibly supportive and told me he trusted my decision. From that time on I found profound peace, knowing God is a God of miracles, and would provide for us if we continued to have faith. I also continued to listen and watch for anything that might be an answer to our prayers and our faith, not knowing how the Lord would provide, just knowing He would.

We took no extreme measures for a few months, but I started researching any information that might lead down an unexplored road. I knew that Brad had suffered pain through most of his life that medical science hadn’t resolved, and started researching anything related, even though there was no reason to believe his pain affected his fertility. Along the way I stumbled across a blog post written by someone who had suffered the same pain and was helped by a homeopathic doctor. I knew a few friends who had switched to natural medicine for other medical issues, and decided it was worth a try.

Brad was skeptical, and we were both afraid of getting our hopes dashed once again, but in June of last year we met with a homeopath to see what we could find out. In a few short minutes we discovered that Brad’s body had not been processing proteins, and while a normal person had a protein count around 1500, Brad’s was at 85. It turned out Brad’s problem was not in his reproductive system, it was in his digestive system! We were given some natural supplements to help his digestive system start functioning again, and steadily watched his protein counts climb over the next 6 months. This meant our miracle was two-fold. We had the ability to overcome the obstacles that kept us from conceiving, but we also found and fixed a problem that would most assuredly have caused bigger health problems later on.

Over the last 10 months I feel like I’ve taken on an evangelical role toward natural medicine, both recognizing the physical and emotional healing we have found, and also knowing there are so many out there facing similar obstacles, who might benefit from all that we’ve learned on our journey. The answers didn’t come overnight, and there were still tears shed in moments when yet another newlywed couple announced a baby on the way and doubts started to crowd out my faith. Brad’s healing (and even my own) took time. But as of January, we can officially say that it WORKED!! On October 12^th(ish) we are expecting our first baby and could not be more happy and grateful to the Lord and to those who He has placed on our path to help guide us to where we are today. I know this is His miracle.

I know the answer we found will not be the same answer for everyone. I know that we were guided onto this path. We had physical and emotional damage that was repairable, and needed guidance to know how to recover. I also know that while we’ve reached the point of conception, we still have six more months to go, but we’ve overcome the part that seemed impossible almost two years ago, and knowing that means there is hope we can conceive again, without the trauma we faced this time around. I also know that it was the Lord who provided the way, and I hope that our story can provide hope to others who are praying for their miracle too.

A Day Worth Waiting For

I love graduations, and I cry at every one I attend. Even a midst the chaos of packing our home and finishing up work, I welled up when Brad tried on his cap and gown the night before his big day. Graduation Day provides an opportunity to celebrate a goal achieved. One that takes many years and many sacrifices to complete. And it's incredible to stand at the finish line and look back and realize that if this one hard thing is achievable, then what else in life might be possible as well?

I waited longingly for the day that Brad would be done with school, although I did my best to make the most of our time in Rexburg. And I'm so grateful for all that we learned while we were there. I found over the course of our two years, that we weren't just there for Brad; I had things to learn as well. I'm so proud of you Brad, and I'm excited to see what the next adventure holds!